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Why Working with Couples Feels Different (and Why That Matters)
Many therapists begin their training with individuals. But when two people walk into the room together—especially in distress—something shifts. The emotional intensity is different. The pace is faster. And the risk of becoming “the referee” is very real.
If you’re a therapist wondering how to start working with couples in therapy, you’re not alone. Many clinicians feel drawn to couples work but hold back—uncertain about how to hold two people’s pain at once, how to stay neutral, or how to actually structure the sessions.
Let’s break it down.
The Relationship Is the Client
Unlike individual therapy, your client is the relationship. That means:
- You are not taking sides
- You are not there to figure out who’s right
- Your job is to track process, not just content
Understanding this is fundamental. Couples don’t need a referee—they need a relational guide. Someone who can name patterns, hold space for emotional reactivity, and gently help them see the stuck cycle they’re caught in.
Common Challenges When Starting Out
Here are some pain points therapists face when beginning with couples work—and what to do instead:
1. Feeling Pulled to Fix
You’re not there to fix them—you’re there to hold steady and slow things down.
When a couple is in distress, it’s easy to jump into solutions. But lasting change doesn’t come from strategies alone. It comes from helping couples understand their dynamic.
2. Getting Lost in the Content
“He said this.” “She always does that.”
This is where many new therapists get stuck. The goal isn’t to resolve the conflict—it’s to understand the pattern underneath it.
3. Losing Neutrality
New therapists often feel pressure to align with one partner. If you find yourself doing this, pause. Check your body. Ask: “Whose emotion am I carrying right now?” Rebalance your stance.
What You Actually Need to Begin
To start working with couples in therapy, you don’t need to be an expert in every model. You need:
- A basic framework (e.g. understanding differentiation, attachment, and reactivity)
- Tools to structure your early sessions
- Confidence to hold neutrality and emotional charge
- A supportive learning space to grow in
Your First Sessions: What to Focus On
Start with tone and structure. In the first few sessions:
- Set a clear therapeutic contract (session format, confidentiality, cancellation, etc.)
- Explore each person’s hopes, fears, and coping styles
- Look for the cycle—the dance of vulnerability and protection they’re caught in
- Stay relational: speak to the dynamic, not the people
Remember: In couples therapy, what looks like resistance is often protection.
Why Training Matters (and Where to Begin)
Couples work isn’t just about knowing what to say. It’s about knowing how to be in the room—with clarity, steadiness, and a willingness to slow the process down.
That’s why we created our Introduction to Couples Therapy one-day training (4.5 IACP-approved CPD hours)
It’s a gentle, practical entry point for therapists who are curious about couples work but want a safe, structured way to begin. You’ll explore real therapy examples, key theoretical models, and walk away with a stronger sense of what’s possible in the work.
What You’ll Learn:
- A clear understanding of what couples therapy is, and isn’t
- An overview of key models and integrative approaches used in couples work
- Insights into common presenting issues and how they impact relational dynamics
- Ethical guidance and assessment tools for starting safely
- Space to reflect on your own style and readiness for couples work
- A bonus recorded webinar: Getting off to a Strong Start with Couples — with tips for intake, first sessions, and clinical structure
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Do I need to be seeing couples already to take the training?
Not at all. This training is designed for those just beginning to explore couples therapy.
How is couples therapy different from individual therapy?
Couples therapy focuses on the relationship dynamic between partners, addressing communication patterns, conflict, and emotional connection. It’s fundamentally interpersonal work—looking at how each person relates and responds within the relationship. In contrast, individual therapy is intrapersonal, centering on a person’s internal experience, personal history, and emotional or psychological wellbeing.
What are common challenges when starting to work with couples?
New therapists often face challenges like managing high-conflict situations, maintaining neutrality, and addressing differing goals between partners. Building skills in conflict resolution and active listening is crucial.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to be perfect to begin this work. You just need to be curious, reflective, and well-supported. If couples therapy is something you’re drawn to, trust that—and take the first step with training that’s built to meet you exactly where you are.
