Couples Therapy: What to Do When You Feel Stuck in the Room

Something I think most of us meet at some point in couples therapy is that feeling of being stuck.

It might be with the couple as a whole, or with one particular partner in the room. You are doing your best to help them see something that seems to be working against them in the relationship. You offer a reflection, or bring attention to a pattern that you think could really support the work.

But instead of it landing, they push back.

And suddenly, it can start to feel like there is a push-pull forming between you and the client. You are trying to bring something into awareness, and they seem to be pushing against it. The more you try to help them see it, the more defended they become.

I think this is worth naming because it does not mean the client is doing anything wrong. And it does not mean you are doing anything wrong either. It is often simply something that can happen within a relational system. A kind of stuckness, or power struggle, can begin to form in the room.

When Couples Therapy Becomes a Push-Pull

When this happens in couples therapy, our instinct as therapists can be to try harder.

We might try to explain it more clearly. We might look for another way to say it. We might offer a different reflection, or try to soften the language so it feels easier for the client to hear.

And of course, this usually comes from a good place. We are trying to support the work. We are trying to help the couple move towards something different. We may be able to see a pattern that is causing them real pain, and we want to help them become curious about it.

But sometimes, without meaning to, we can become part of the struggle.

The client pushes back, and we push forward. They defend, and we explain. They resist, and we try to find another way in. Before long, the work can feel less like exploration and more like persuasion.

That is often a sign to pause.

Working With Resistance in Couples Therapy

Resistance in couples therapy is not always a refusal to engage. Sometimes it is protection.

A client may be protecting themselves from shame. They may be feeling misunderstood. They may feel exposed, blamed, or moved too quickly into territory that does not yet feel safe. They may also be protecting a strategy that has helped them survive in the relationship, even if that same strategy is now causing difficulty.

This is where curiosity becomes very important.

Rather than thinking, “How do I get them to see this?”, it can be more helpful to wonder, “What is making this hard for them to see right now?”

That small shift matters.

It moves us away from trying to win the point and brings us back into the work. It also reminds us that in couples therapy, we are not just working with what is being said. We are working with the system that is forming between the couple, and sometimes around us as therapists.

A Question for When You Feel Stuck in Couples Therapy

When I notice this kind of stuckness, one question I find really useful is:

“If I was serving you well right now, what would I be doing or saying?”

It is a simple question, but it can create a real shift.

It takes us out of the push-pull. It gives the client a chance to come back to themselves and to help us understand what might be missing. It also gives us, as therapists, a moment to become curious again.

Maybe the client says they need you to slow down. Maybe they say they do not feel understood. Maybe they say they feel blamed, or that something about the reflection does not fit for them. Or maybe they cannot answer straight away, but the question itself changes the tone in the room.

It communicates that we are not there to force insight. We are there to understand.

What Might Be Happening Underneath the Stuckness

When couples therapy feels stuck, it can be tempting to focus only on the behaviour in front of us. The defensiveness. The withdrawal. The refusal to take in a reflection.

But often there is something more vulnerable underneath.

The client may be afraid that if they accept the reflection, they will be seen as the problem. They may worry that the therapist is siding with their partner. They may have had years of feeling criticised, and even a gentle reflection can land as another attack.

This is why neutrality in couples therapy is so important. Not neutrality as distance or passivity, but neutrality as a deep commitment to understanding each person’s position.

If one partner is pushing back, it may be that we have missed something important. That does not mean we abandon the direction of the work, but it may mean we slow down and try to understand their resistance before moving forward.

The Therapist’s Experience Matters Too

There is also something important for us to reflect on as therapists.

If we feel a strong pull to make the client understand, or to get them to agree with us, that is worth noticing. Not in a blaming way, but with curiosity.

What is happening in me right now?
Why do I feel I need this to land?
Am I being pulled into the couple’s dynamic?
Am I starting to feel responsible for making change happen?

These questions can help us recognise when a therapeutic impasse in couples therapy is not only happening between the couple, but also involving us.

And again, that does not mean we have done something wrong. It simply means there is useful information in the room.

Slowing Down Instead of Trying Harder

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is stop trying so hard.

Pause. Take a breath. Name what is happening gently.

It might sound like:

“I’m wondering if I’m missing something here.”
“Something about what I’m saying doesn’t seem to be fitting for you.”
“Can we slow this down and help me understand what is happening for you right now?”

This kind of language can soften the struggle. It also models something very important for the couple: that we can pause, repair, and become curious rather than escalating into more defence.

In many ways, this is the work of couples therapy itself.

Building Confidence in Couples Therapy

For therapists who are newer to couples therapy, these moments can feel quite exposing. There can be a sense of “I should know what to do here” or “I must be getting this wrong.”

But being stuck is not always a problem. Sometimes it is the doorway into the real work.

The more we can stay reflective, grounded, and curious, the less likely we are to get caught in proving, persuading, or pushing. And the more we can understand the system that is unfolding in front of us.

This is also why ongoing couples therapy training, supervision, and case consultation can be so helpful. Not because we need someone to give us a perfect answer, but because we need space to think about what is happening in the room, what is happening in us, and what the couple may be inviting us into.

Deepening your work in couples therapy

At the Institute of Couples Therapy, we provide training for therapists who are beginning to explore couples work, as well as for couples therapists who want to deepen and strengthen their practice.

Our trainings focus on the real moments therapists meet in the room: stuckness, resistance, conflict, vulnerability, uncertainty, and the challenge of staying steady while holding two people and the relationship between them.

We also have the ICT Community, a supportive space for couples therapists that includes live case consultations, therapist discussions, and support from other practitioners doing this work.

Because couples therapy is deeply rewarding work, but it is not work we need to figure out alone.